alright seeing as that i cant get on pr... i need to let some shit out.. and im h oping shell be online to read this soon enough... ive been crying since i put Dante the liil boy im babysitting to bed... which has been since 8 pm.. i miss you to death... and i keep thinking back to those old times.. where we did everything together.. we were unseperable.. i keep trying so hard to gain ur trust back and i know its not easy.. gaining someones trust back.. who broke.. probally the bigggest promise id ever make.. i remember when i tried oding.. u took those pills.. and flushed them...u were there. through the fucking hard time... and i fucked up so fucking huge.. that ir egret every fucking second of it.. i just wish ic ould go home and ud be there waiting for me.. like you did that day i came back from NY.. or when i came back from Rehab.. the hugs.. me feeling like ahuman being again.... and i had to fucking bring mom into the party scene.. and if i would of kept her out.. EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE!.. she started doing coke again.. which she broke her promise.. that i can never trust her again... only a line here and there she says... but meanwhile shes buying half balls behind my back and l ying to me about it.. it fucking hurts.. and i have no one to turn to.. because they are so far away.. i dont have somewheres to run.. wher ei know ill be safe from any other person.. i wish i never fucked up and if you could see the tears streaming down my face right now.. ud go.. well thats your fault.. not mine.. and i understand that.. im trying sooo fucking hard to gain your trust back.. hence why i left moms last night.. because i knew they were going to be partying... i knew they were... and i left.. the guy that i have the biggest fucking crush on.. just so i can keep you.. because i knew i would of slipped again.. its tearing me apart being away from you... i miss hearing ur voice.. i miss everythnig about you.. and yes.. i cry the fact that your hanging out with alanna.. i wish it was me you were with.. i wish.. that.. i could be forgiven.. and lvoed.. dads giving up on me.. because id ont go to school.. michelle keeps trying.. but i dont want her help.. because .. i just dont feel right about that.. ive tried going to therapy lately.. and its hard.. talking abou tmy problems... if i didnt care.. would i be crying.. everynight.. my nightmares at night keep getting worse.. and im getting more and more scared that one day im gonna freak out and not have anyone near me to calm me down.. you were always that person.. and i fucking miss that person.. more than the world cam imagine.. im sorry i fucked up.. i really em.. i want you back amadna.. i want you back im sorry...i miss you...